Nosgoth Gets Messed Up
by Ethereal Blackmoon
Summary: A series of events in which Nosgoth is changed, possibly for the worse...
1. Damnation

Nosgoth Gets F***ed Up  
  
Chapter 1: Damnation  
  
Dumah and Turel stopped at the edge of the Lake of the Dead, grasping Raziel between them. Suddenly, Kain's harsh voice gave the command: "Cut that out, it's bothering me." Of course, he was referring to Umah, who was clinging to his arm so tightly had he not been dead it would have fallen off from lack of blood. She was also mumbling something about how much she wanted to feel the water's caress. But alas, she could not, as her father told her a giant octopus would devour her if she did. As she was mumbling, Raziel screamed at the top of his lungs, "Damn it, Kain!! Are you going to throw me in and start the sequence of events or not!?" Kain looked from Umah to Raziel, then back to Umah.  
  
"... Nah, forget it..." Dumah and Turel, dropping Raziel, stare at Kain disappointed, and then look back at each other. They simultaneously grin in consensual mutiny and kick Raziel over the side. Hearing Raziel yell, Kain detaches himself from Umah and screams "What the f*ck! He was going to get rid of my mouse infestation! And that @#%$ owed me money, too!" Kain hit Turel into the abyss and smacked Dumah really hard, saying "I hope humans beat your ass, ya pansy!" To this, Dumah replied sniffing, "that's MEAN, I'm going to tell Ariel that you're cheatin' on her with this Umah whore. She even took my name!"  
  
Outraged, Umah slapped him again and said "Look, Ariel's dead! How could you!? No really, how could you???" Laughter rises up from the abyss. Dumah looks over the edge and sees Turel hanging on by a thread. No, really. It was a thread, looked like his cloak had unraveled on the descent. He started to pull himself up, Raziel clinging to his legs, when Turel spotted a bee buzzing round his head. Turel tried to swat it, causing them to fall. Turel grabbed hold of a tree branch and started the climb back up. On the way up Turel heard Raziel mumbling words to himself- he was saying "Argh. If only I weren't so damn broken right now. Heh heh, that Umah chick is hot. Maybe I'm delirious."  
  
Suddenly, they were both yanked up the cliff. Kain had grabbed Turel and hoisted him into the air and back on solid ground. Raziel, however, he caught by the clothes around his neck and held him aloft. Kain said, "You are such an idiot! Now let's see if you have the moves to actually pick up ma beeyotch Umah!" Kain handed Raziel a couple of mugs of skull-whomper ale. Raziel sidled over to Umah handed her one of the drinks, and said, "Hey... you wanna come back to the Sanctuary of the Cans for a bit of bump bump?" Kain, outraged by Raziel's remarks does something he may regret for the rest of his vampiric day's- he pulled out a salami! No, not THAT kind of salami, you pervert. Dumah did that.  
  
What Kain pulled out was, in actuality, the Soul Salmon. With this artifact, he began to beat Melchiah mercilessly until it fell apart. Melchiah, relieved at the halt in his beating, put the fish's skin over his decaying face and said, "Hmmm, I wonder how I'll look in fish lips." "Talk about misdirected aggression," said Raziel to Umah as he lowered his mug. "Kain, haven't I always told you you've got a problem?" Raziel was about to take another drink, when all of a sudden-  
  
"Whoa!" Raziel shouts as he ducks, and Umah gets hit with a flying salmon carcass. "Ha ha ha! You smell like dead fish now!" laughed Kain. At this, Umah bared her claws and leapt at Kain, saying, "You arse hole!" She tore his face into little pieces of ribbon kicked him into a near by river. She turned and sidled up to Rahab and said, "Fetch, future fish boy!"  
  
"The hell I will! If he means so much to you get your ass in the water, you, you, you ......... Lara Croft wannabe!"  
  
"No!" shouted Umah. "I will only go in if you do first!" "NO!" Rahab screamed. "There are sharks and humans and all sorts of things in that water." He got an evil glitter in his eyes. "Like you!" and with that, he shoved Umah over the edge- but she caught him by the claw and twirled him into the water, Rahab went splash and jumped right out yelling "Aaaaa! It burns! I must start working on that next evolution jump..." and walks away pondering.  
  
Umah grabs the salmon and throws it furiously after him and misses, hitting Zephon who had just walked around the corner to see what all the fuss was all about. He got it straight in the face and said, "Mmm, yummy fish." He began to gnaw into it, causing Raziel to shout, "You imbeciles!" Raziel then walks over to the rivers edge, grabs Kain's flailing hand, and drags his burning butt out. "Was that so hard?" Dripping and steaming, Kain says, "I've got two salmon now! Ha!" and charges at the company, salmon's a' flying.  
  
As he ran, he then slipped over a puddle of water on the ground and his face hits the floor in a muddy puddle. The surrounding clan members & Umah begin to laugh at him mercilessly, seeing the revered vampire lord reduced to a fool. Kain, embarrassed and muddy gets up and storms of back to the pillars to get clean and grab some new clothes. He was walking around in just a towel a little later after having a nice hot blood bath, (to get the dirt off) and he toddled off to his closet looking for something new to put on. In the corner he spots his old fledgling armor, a little dusty as it was. Intrigued he walks over to it to try it on to see if it still fits; it was a little tight, though he struggled with it for a long while. At long last he gets it on, and with dawning horror he realizes he cannot get the amour off! He shouted for Umah and his sons, "Somebody, get some damn butter, this stuff is tighter than (edited for television)!" Kain screams as his boys approach.  
  
Umah laughs and says, "It looks good on you. Besides, no one here knows how to make butter and there are no more cows alive." Dumah, with a flash of intelligence, spoke up and said, "Why don't you just go back in time and get your own?" Kain thinks it over and finally decides to travel to a more quiet and simpler time where cows roamed the land and maybe try to figure out how to make butter... mumbling to himself that if only he could remember how to shape-shift to bat form all this would have been so much simpler... 


	2. Time Streaming in Search of Butter

Nosgoth Gets F***ed Up  
  
Chapter 2: Time Streaming in Search of Butter  
  
And so Kain headed to the Chronoplast to travel back in time and get some butter or even, as a last resort.......I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.  
  
In the depths of Moebius' time-streaming apparatus, Kain discovers a series of portals displaying scenes of past and apparently future events. As he descends, passing these various scenes, he reflects on the images confronting him. The images in the portals imply that the events he's experienced - and those still to come - have all been predestined. Kain spoke as he passed the portals, "My entrapment in this miserable armor...what trickery is this? These apparitions torment me... has this all been foretold? My mind reels with conflict... does butter await me moments from now, or in some century yet to come?"  
  
In the last of the portals, Kain sees himself, unarmored and covered in butter. Kain exclaimed in surprise and disbelief, "Is this phantasm a conjuration of my mind, or an echo of future events?" Kain strode forward into the chamber ahead and activated the Chronoplast, and traveled back in time, arriving 200 years before Janos Audron's death at the hands of the Sarafan. Shockingly enough, no sooner than he walked into the open, Kain heard a familiar voice say, "Kain!" Kain turns, and, looking up, sees none other than Janos Audron, sitting on the roof of a nearby building, eating a popsicle. "Janos Audron!? How the hell do you know me!?" Janos shrugs, licks his popsicle, and remarks, "Your name is written on so many of the men's bathroom stalls, it was burned into my memory. But the important question is, how do you know me and why do you interrupt my popsicle eating?"  
  
"I am searching for butter," Kain replies. "And you are quite possibly the most famous vampire in history." He added quite smugly, "Aside from myself, of course."  
  
"Butter?" Janos peers at Kain, and licks his popsicle. "You have got to be joking."  
  
"But I want butter!"  
  
"Sorry, no butter here... Ask Vorador, he's probably got some baby oil..." "That I will!" Kain answers and teleports to Vorador's mansion. But as he reaches the mansion he sees a huge sign saying "GO AWAY! The man-whore/pimp known as Vorador isn't in right now." Nevertheless, Kain walked up to the front door and knocked, saying, "YO!!!! Vorador!!!! WHUUUUUZUUUUUP!!!???!!! Open up or I'll march a whole cow herd into your back yard and steal your laundry!"  
  
There is no response. Kain pounds on the door again, shouting "Open up or I'll egg your mansion to hell and back!!!" getting no further response, Kain puts on a short skirt and speaks in a higher, more feminine voice, "I'm a sexy nurse and I'm really lost in this big forest, plus I'm trapped in a veeery tight armor and I really need a strong green man to help me." Vorador, thinking himself sneaky, leans fully out of his second story window and blanches in pure disgust at the horrible presence of Kain in a mini-skirt. "You're no nurse!! You look just like an albino man in a school girl armor uniform!" Vorador stops to think on this for a second while still gazing at Kain. ".and you're kind of cute too, I guess!"  
  
Kain threw off the miniskirt and leapt up to Vorador's window and crawled inside, saying "Ha! I knew you were in here! Now, hand over all your butter!" Vorador, facing the terrible Kain in tights (well, armor tights, but still...) immediately backs down and says, "Ok, ok, I will give you all my butter!" Both of them headed towards Vorador's secret butter chamber. On the way Vorador asks Kain, "Who clued you in on my secret storage of special butter?"  
  
"A really big 'bird' told me!" Kain said, with a grin. Vorador mumbles to himself about the peculiar tendency of his maker to just spill the beans to anyone asking even the most heinous questions (like questions concerning butter and special storages...) Kain can't hear him well and thinks that he may be mumbling something about how many whores he has. Just to double- check, you know? Kain leaned over, tapped Vorry on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, bat-eared pimp-boy, are we gonna get to the butter without you mumbling all the way or not?"  
  
After going down long dark stairs, gloomy dripping corridors, endless turns and twists that even the labyrinth would be jealous of, they finally came to the butter chamber!!!  
  
Vorador pulled a box from a hidden pocket and a key from another even better hidden pocket. Inside the box was a little slip of very old paper and on it were written 300 secret runes that are required to open the lock on the butter safe...  
  
2 hours later: "Damn you, Vorador!! This act of misspelling in unco-... wait a minute, that's not MY line... you are twisting reality with these runes. I can bear it no longer!"  
  
Kain pulls his trusted twin axes and, spinning around the room, smashes the butter box to shreds! Vorador managed to escape a premature decapitation by a swift implement of the special martial art maneuver called "reflex of the duck" and yells at Kain who goes to the smashed box in one great stride. Inside the box he finds... really old milk. "Damnit, Vorador, this isn't the same as butter!" shouts Kain as old slimy gooey milk was spilled everywhere!  
  
Vorador somehow managed to avoid most of the spray but Kain got drenched (and annoyed more than ever). Vorador calmly told Kain that the way to open the box was magical as well as just using the key, so the freeze time spell inside the box was disrupted and 5000 years of suspended time had just rushed in on the poor butter.  
  
Kain yelled at Vorador, "Why, oh , why would you keep a 5000 year old stick butter in your basement or wherever we are???" Vorador then started a long nostalgic story of when he was just a human working on his parents' farm...  
  
Kain took the opportunity to begin a voice-over, effectively drowning Vorador out. "As Vorador spoke about his past the fool drove me almost insane- all he could talk about was how he loved the animals on his farm and how he loved playing with them each day as a child. I could see tears falling from Vorador's eyes." Seemingly disturbed by what is happening Kain got up from his seat and went over to Vorador, saying, "Vorador, what's wrong with you? What trickery is this?" "No trickery, can't you see I'm clearly upset by my ramblings of my childhood?"  
  
"Yes, but....."  
  
"But what?"  
  
"Well, I think I can help."  
  
"How???"  
  
"Well, you see I'm from the (said in the style of Dr. Evil) 'future' and I came to search for butter to get myself out of this armor..  
  
"So what are you saying?"  
  
"I'm saying that if you wish to go back in time I can make it possible. what do you say?"  
  
"Of course! Let me get some belongings."  
  
Vorador headed to the master bedroom. In there, he sees one of his favorite wives, who asks, "Where are you going, Vorador, sweety?"  
  
"Well, I'm leaving for a while... I'm. I'm... I'm going back in time?"  
  
His wife rolled on the floor, cracking up hysterically, and said, "What?"  
  
"Back in time, whelp!"  
  
Kain shouted at him from the hall, "Vorador we must be going."  
  
"Right."  
  
And so Kain and Vorador left the mansion, in search of a nearby time- streaming chamber. 


	3. Bunnies?

Nosgoth Gets F***ed Up  
  
Chapter 3: Bunnies?  
  
"Once we reach your time, you must provide me with butter!" "Relax. Now let me tell you a little story about a little boy named Vorador..." "What trickery is this??" "No trickery, Kain, I'm just telling a story..." Kain pointed urgently ahead of the two and shouted, "No, you fool! That!!" In front of Vorador and Kain was a milking cow on a spike, dead and pitiful, and a sign saying "No butter for you vampires! Go home!!!!". and it was signed by the sinister sideways 8, Moebius' infinity symbol. But some how, they didn't realize that they were standing in an ant hill, Kain and Vorador did not feel the ants that were crawling all over their legs. Poor Kain, I wonder how he's going to get out of this one, since the poor bastard is stuck in his armor.  
  
Vorador suddenly shouted, "My God! The bunnies.... Kain, they tricked us! They killed the family cow! .And I am saying your lines!" Kain suddenly had a mighty inspiration! He yells at Vorador, "Let's transform into mist and get the hell outta here!"  
  
The ants suddenly find themselves stranded in the air, with no Kain, no Vorador, no yummy old milk and bloody hell, no wings!!!  
  
They each yelled in their tiny ant voices: "Damn you, Kain!!!"  
  
The ants decided to go home and redesign the ant anatomy (remember this is the very distant past, so now we all now why an annoying species of ants do have wings and why people instinctively pluck those wings off whenever they can.)  
  
Meanwhile, Kain and Vorador finally turn back from the mist form cause you can't really have a conversation like that and none of them wanted the chance to mix their mists together. After traveling by foot for some time, Kain finally pulls himself together to ask Vorador the BIG question- "WHO ARE THE BUNNIES?!"  
  
Vorador stopped in his tracks, turns and says with a tear in his eye (which is slowly searing his flesh), "My mother. my mother was brutally murdered by THE BUNNY, it was a horribly fluffy creature and it smothered her with all the fur balls it produced seemingly endlessly... then the attack of THE BUNNIES began. At first there was only 1 of them, than another one, so suddenly there were two... and the rest is history... they breed like BUNNIES you know... our cows never had a chance..."  
  
Kain turned to him and said, "Hey- wait a minute... even if all your cows died, there's still that butter you will have been keeping for so long. Now where could that be?" Vorador stops his tragic story to contemplate a bit. He then turns to Kain and says, "That's right, now we can go and save the butter... but the bunnies have it now and we must devise a plan..." Suddenly, Vorador is interrupted. Another Kain (not wearing the armor) appears out of thin air and states, "Here! Take this butter and get that armor off for crying out loud!" He then points to Vorador and says, "Oh, and just so you know, you and I break up!"  
  
He then disappears angrily. Kain take the butter and moves to the side to have a little privacy. He removes the armor and sign with relief. He than decides it is better to be unarmored; who needs an armor anyway when you have the repel spell? Stupid thing.  
  
Kain realizes he still needs Vorador to get to the future butter so despite Vorador's annoying mumblings and ramblings they still have a ways to go together- but Kain vows to himself to dump vorador as soon as he gets to that butter!!!  
  
He goes back to vorador- who looks at him way too appraisingly- and glaring at him, said, "Don't even think about it! (Pervert)." Vorador shakes himself out of it and says, "Well, I believe we were about to devise a plan to reclaim my family's lost butter..." "Ah, yes, the mysterious 'butter'. Perhaps now you will tell me where it is?" Kain asked.  
  
"I will not tell you. For secrecy's sake." says Vorador.  
  
"Oh come on, please???"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well fine, then." Kain crossed his arms and looked at Vorador sulkingly. "Show me the way." Vorador looked at Kain incredulously and said, "First we need to make a PLAN, not just go up to the bunnies and ask!! What I propose is this..." Vorador and Kain huddle together and whisper:  
  
"First we need to build a giant wooden cow on wheels."  
  
"Why are we whispering?"  
  
"Because it sounds conspiratorial, now don't interrupt me again. Where was I?" "Building a cow?"  
  
"Yes, yes, then we hide in the cow." Kain stares at vorador stupidly as the green vampire lays out his plan.  
  
"What madness is this? What madness is our time coming to? First we have the 'soul salmon,' then old butter and vicious cow killing bunnies, and now Trojan cows!?" Kain curls up into a little ball on the ground drooling and muttering about bunnies and laughing maniacally, mumbling, ".and they thought I was insane when I was a fledgling....."  
  
Vorador just stares at Kain. Vorador gives up and says to Kain, "Ok, ok, let's just go and kill all the bunnies, drink their blood, burn their houses, make slaves out of their families and teach the foxes how good they really taste raw!"  
  
Kain straightens up and gives Vorador a shaky smile... he is starting to remember that after all they are both mature bad @$$ vampires- the strongest of their era and no little thing like a bunny can ever even wish to stop THEM!  
  
Vorador and Kain look each other in the yellow eye and fade to thin air... they reappear at the middle of the bunnies' community who were just celebrating their victory on the cows and their conquest of the butter.  
  
After about 20 minutes of happy merciless killings they regroup again and survey the dead-bunny-covered hills all around.  
  
Vorador declared, "This is the most beautiful sight I have seen in years."  
  
"Yeah, yeah now let's get the butter!" The two find the butter and now faced the problem of sharing it. After getting their hands.... claws? On the butter, Kain said to Vorador, "Okay, I get the butter."  
  
"Why? You're already out of your armor."  
  
"I have to go back in time and hand it to the old me to get that way!"  
  
"But I need it!!!"  
  
"For what?" Kain asked sarcastically. "I need to butter up my whores!" 


	4. Debauchery and Step Dancing

Nosgoth Gets F***ed Up  
  
Chapter 4: Debauchery and Step-Dancing  
  
And so the dirty secret is finally out! The mysterious reason why vorador needed the butter!  
  
Kain stared at vorador in shock and incredulously said, "And for that you withheld your butter from my imperious demand!?!? You PERVERT!"  
  
Vorador straightened to his full green height and said, "I do NOT recognize YOU as imperious, whelp!"  
  
Kain angrily decided to strand vorador in this era. He snatched the butter and teleported away- back to his armored self. And then home - to the future Nosgoth where Umah is waiting and he still needs to get the butter off... or maybe not... "Hmm. Umah?" muttered Kain to himself. (Traveling with Vorador can teach you bad habits anytime.)  
  
Vorador looked around and said, "Oh well, it's good that he only took the little box." He then sits beside the 20 pound box of superb butter and contemplates the hazards a butter must face in this oh so cruel world.  
  
Determined to preserve the butter for all time as a legacy of his family and as a source of fun and envy of the wives he constructs the box and spell he remembers so well from the 5000 years of safe keeping- he knows this butter will be safe, at least until Kain comes around, but since he knows exactly when that will be, and has already made plans to replace the precious butter with some stinky old milk at the right time.  
  
After all, Kain is such an amusing character in tights... and its such fun looking at him squirm so.  
  
Now, since his maker is still around maybe he can drop by, say hello, and celebrate the successful rescue of the butter. And hopefully get drunk in the process. But as Vorador was about to teleport to Janos he remembered that he forgot to get drunk first, then go to Janos. So he went to the nearest pub, beat the crap out of the tapster so he could help himself, and proceeded to get royally hammered. After which he staggered off to find Janos, who was currently at a help-meeting for schizophrenics.  
  
Vorador decided to take a beer just in case he finds someone who would agree to get drunk on it so he can get drunk on the poor fool's blood! He then went ahead and started on his way to Janos, hoping that Luck will send a fool his way when he realized he had been so hammered that he had wandered straight into a vampire's sorority were Umah was currently hanging out. He sidled over to her and said with slurred speech, "Hey Umah, you wanna get drunk? I have a beer."  
  
Umah, who is not a vampire yet, only a vampire lover, was already more than a little drunk so more beer was just perfect in her sodden mind. She downed the beer rather quickly and with amazing skill and agility didn't spill even one drop even though she was seeing the world in two's and it kept turning around for some reason. When she looked at the hand- claw? That was holding the glass she thought green was kind of a nice color and wondered how the rest of the body would look like as Vorador grinned drunkenly at her; although his gaze seemed to be directed not at her face, but a few inches below.  
  
Suddenly- "Woop-Woop! Booty police! Woop-Woop! Pull it over you two!"  
  
Two winged ancients materialize wearing blue uniforms and dark sunglasses just in the nick of time! "I'm sorry Mr. eh? Vard... Vorador, but your 'booty' is being confiscated in order to prevent a future apocalypse." They handcuffed Umah and began to take her away.  
  
So now, Vorador, thoroughly confused by the ancients, keeps walking straight to Janos' place for a visit.  
  
The ancients had Umah, and they took her to the Abyss..... one of the two ancients laughed evilly as the other was ready to throw her into the waters.  
  
He shouted, "Hasta la vista, bitch!" and tossed her in. Umah screamed in terror as she plummeted.  
  
Now, Umah was still just a drunk human and the Abyss was not so big a whirlpool yet so she just got dunked on the edge of it and just had the nastiest bath of her life while in a drunken state- which didn't improve anything, needless to say.  
  
The ancients were already gone, unfortunately, so was the handcuffs key. So Umah swam like a sick fish to the banks and climbed out.  
  
Meanwhile, Vorador was having the show of his life out of her and since she was not as drunk as before after this cold shower he thought it would be nice to try and get some beer back into her...  
  
He gave her the 'gentleman façade' and helped her out. "That was no way to treat a lady," he said. "I will buy you something hot to drink at the next inn." He gave her his red coat so the hand cuffs would not be seen and off they went...  
  
Vorador had not realized that this particular inn was actually a most terrible place! As they went inside the music hit them like a rolling rock... and the doors closed ominously behind them. 2 huge red demons stood guard and wouldn't let anyone out! Not to mention the place was magically sealed.  
  
The waiter came towards them holding a giant metal cutter and two pair of (Oh, the horror!) step shoes!  
  
"Whoever enters here must win the right to exit by step-dancing." Vorador was readying himself to perform the most horrible of spells when Umah said, "My mother died while she was dancing." Vorador still can't believe how the mother of Umah did it while she was dead. So Vorador drank his beer quickly and suddenly everything makes more sense! He even started to feel like dancing, so he turned to Umah and said (drunkenly), "You wanna dance??" 


	5. The Greatest Party Ever

Nosgoth Gets F***ed Up  
  
Chapter 5: The Strangest Party Ever  
  
And so, Vorador and Umah start dancing on the Dance floor. Umah then starts dancing real sexy like and Vorador stops in his tracks; the perverted vampire starts drooling... suddenly Nupraptor interrupts, running from dancing with Ariel and grabs hold of Umah and commences to boogie with her instead.  
  
Ariel now very pissed off at Nupraptor; she walks over gives him a big slap on the face & says, "You better be glad I left my salmon in my other purse!!"  
  
...."man whore!!!!!!!"  
  
Umah looked at Ariel, stuck her tongue out and called her a "sore loser". Ariel's ears turned bright red and her eyes started to glaze over with pent anger. "Well, I may have forgotten my salmon but I still have this... " And from "hammerspace" Ariel produced a salami which she promptly used to beat herself to death.  
  
Umah looked at Ariel's dead body still holding the salami, muttered "talk about misdirected violence" and shrugged. She turned back to her dancing partner not knowing that the specter of Ariel was rising/drifting/materializing behind her...  
  
In the meantime, Vorador had 'made friends' with another group of women and was currently in the process of inviting them home. Umah sees an opportunity to sneak into Vorador's home and she quickly disguised herself as a sexy, young, innocent woman (I know, I know, it took some clever doing but the b**** somehow made it).  
  
She inserted herself into the midst of the group and they all headed after Vorador out the back door... where there happened to be a giant beaver waiting for them. (Not THAT kind of beaver, you perv- a wood-eating, bark- chewing beaver. The rodents.) It sniffed Vorador's head, then leaned down and sneezed all over him!!!  
  
(at that moment he was rather happy he had no hair left cause the thought of cleaning it without using water was terrible indeed).  
  
One of the girls giggled and handed him a handkerchief which he used and than turned to the beaver with his best "mafia" glare and said, "Return to the netherlands of the Hellfire's Domain, foul beast! Return to Dark Hell!" And he whipped out his trusty Remington SR8 and blew its brains out.  
  
"... So," he said, beaming and turning to his crowd of girls, "Wanna... uh... see my bedroom?" One of the blonde chicks spoke up and said, giggling, "Um, no! Hehehe!" A brunette nudged her in the stomach and whispered, "Yes, dummy!"  
  
"Oh... yeah!" Vorador suddenly remembered that he hasn't built his swamp mansion yet, so early at this timeline, so he quickly changed plans and started heading towards Janos' mountain castle.  
  
If he is lucky there will be nobody home and he can claim all of that splendor as his own... and impress the girls...  
  
if Janos IS home, oh well, the maker could use a good PARTY from time to time.  
  
After walking for some time he decided it would be quicker to just teleport everyone there so he make a head count and found *oh happy thought* even more girls than he suspected at first (Umah sneaked into the group while he wasn't watching, remember?).  
  
He told them he had a far better way to travel and then told them to hold onto him very tight (it wasn't necessary for the spell but they didn't know that! The perv.) and got ready to teleport when a large mackerel fell from the sky and crushed Vorador flat as a pancake.  
  
Vorador snaps right back and yells, "What is it about the freaking animals!"Hhe picked up the fish and in the fish's mouth was stuck a note, all slimy and fish-smelling.  
  
Vorador took out the note, unrolled it and read that the note was addressed to him personally, even to dating the timeline and era, it said "You suck. Ha ha ha. Love from Moebius, xxx ooo".  
  
Vorador reread the note and his face turned a dark green of fury! Was it not enough that he killed all his relatives and friends in the future? Was it not enough that he ordered his head cut off? Doesn't he know how annoying that is? It's so hard getting your head back on!!!!  
  
Was it not enough that he ordered all the family cows slain so viciously???  
  
Does he always have to barge in just when the party is starting?????  
  
The man is insufferable!  
  
Vorador decided than and there that this party will just have to wait!  
  
He has a new quest!!!!  
  
THE QUEST FOR VORADORS REVENGE!  
  
Moebius must be taught the hard and painful lesson!  
  
Good parties are so hard to come by, he will have to be taught some respect!  
  
Vorador turned to his group of lovely girls (with Umah hiding in it somewhere) and apologized truthfully and profoundly for having to go finish an unattended business first... but he promise very solemnly that when he comes back the party WILL go on!  
  
And so Vorador set off on his quest for revenge, packing with him his trusty Remington SR8, an axe, a moose and his inflatable doll, for.... er.... 'company'. 


End file.
